Gays and Fathers

I have been reading about a woman evangelical in the UK, Andrea Minichiello Williams.
She has been speaking in Jamaica advocating they maintain their draconian laws on homosexuality.  I have yet to personally meet a woman who is so opposed to homosexuality.  In my experience it is usually men.
However what has angered me most is her statement that an Olympic diver who recently came out is gay because of the recent death of his father.  This is another of the many stupid myths propounded by homophobes.

My father died when I was 30 yet I can remember sexual feelings about men from at least my mid-teens.  I did not really understand in those unenlightened days until I went to University and began to study Psychology.   I went to see a psychiatrist when I was still at University probably aged 19 or 20.  I told my mother a few years later.  To my knowledge she never told my Father.
I had to hide from him the fact that at the age of 25,  instead of teaching, I spent a week undergoing therapy.  Thankfully, in order to hide it from him, I did not stay overnight in the hospital but returned home which was a problem as my Mother became sick with pleurisy and he could not understand why I still stayed back (apparently working) late each afternoon.

A much better example of the stupidity of this statement is the case of a close friend, David. We have been good friends since university days and he is a leader in his church.
He has 4 children, 3 boys and a girl.
In 2003, my closest friend from school days, Peter,  died. He had originally introduced me to David.  I travelled to the memorial service in Canberra with David and his wife.  Peter knew I was gay but I had never told David although Peter assured me there would be no problem.

Peter had 3 children who all spoke at the service from a Christian perspective.  On the way home I mentioned that it must be wonderful in this day and age to know all one's children are still believers. I assumed it was the same for David.  He then told me his 2nd son was gay. David was and is completely accepting and only regrets that his son took a long time to tell him because he assumed his father, being involved with the church, would not accept it.
David is a great advocate for gay acceptance in his church.

His eldest son and his daughter are both married and he has 4 grandchildren.  I have long had thoughts about the youngest son who is now in his early 30's.
A few months ago David told me that his youngest son has also now come out.  This year's Christmas message mentions both gay sons' partners along with other family news.

David has recently told  me that the older gay son has just decided to have a commitment ceremony with his partner of 8 years. The partner actually asked David and his wife before popping the question.
 They are, naturally, delighted. Unfortunately they do not live in enlightened New Zealand so it cannot be a marriage.

I see no evidence of a missing father in the gay lives of these 2 boys.

Prayers please

My sister is to undergo Arthroscopic Knee Surgery tomorrow (Thursday) for a torn cartilege. While it is not serious surgery, I am worried about any general anaesthetic for a person in her mid 70's. She has been in a lot of pain over the last month so hopefully all will be well by Christmas. I am flying over to Sydney on Monday for 10 days anyway. She and her husband are coming over here in February for 3 weeks. We will be spending 8 days travelling and the rest of the time in Dunedin.

Dad

After reading Alcibiades moving account of his father, I feel I should blog about my Dad.

We were never really close. When we were going through Mum's papers, my sister gave me a photo of him. She says I sniffed and put it aside. I cannot find it at the moment. She wrote me an email about how he was proud of me. She was very close to him.

When I was young, my parents went through a bad patch. Dad was running a failing business. He often came home in a foul mood after drinking. The arguments often ended when I burst into tears or had an asthma attack.  Rightly or wrongly I tended to take Mum's side.  My sister did not see much of this as she, although still living at home, was a young adult and often away.
Dad sold the business and went to work for a company and things between Mum and Dad improved but I think the damage had been done. Mum kept his photo by her bedside for the 32 years she lived as a widow.

We did not have much in common.  Dad spent the weekend tinkering with cars. I still know very little more about cars than how to drive. I have never lifted the bonnet of the new car I bought last February and am confused if a new light comes on the dashboard. I do not like driving.
Dad was not a keen sportsman and so he never encouraged me in that area. He had played cricket and was at school with Don Bradman.  I remember my grandfather trying to teach me to catch a ball (without success) but do not remember any games with my father, although we did go swimming at times.

My Grandfather was a staunch Methodist and drove his son away from the church. Dad was a bit bemused at having a son who spent all weekend at church. He did hear me preach and I am grateful that, after his first heart attack, he regularly attended for the last 6 months of his life.  Although my grandfather was a primary school principal, Dad left school at 15 and worked as a salesman. When I at first failed to gain a university scholarship, Mum talked him into allowing me to attend and paying the fees. However he was proud when I gained my degree.

I only once went to the hotel for a drink with him although in the later years of his life I was spending a lot of time drinking.  I was 30 when he died.  I had left on a 9 month world trip just 4 days earlier and had reached Bangkok.  I returned home immediately but, to be honest, that was more to be with Mum than because of any deep feelings for him. He was not cruel, Mum was more the disciplinarian. They were both fairly strict because they had been wild themselves in their younger days.

While I had told Mum I was gay, my father was never told and when I was being "treated" it had to be hidden from him. I have no idea what he would have thought.

Dad was a heavy smoker and I now believe that was a cause of my asthma as a child. Thankfully I grew out of it but I did hate his smoking near me. He only gave up after that first heart attack.

I suppose I now just feel sad that we did not have a close father-son relationship.

I am posting a photo of their wedding in 1930 when Dad was 23 and Mum 21




















and at my graduation in 1966 when I was 22 and he was 59. My Sister and Aunt (Mum's much older sister) are also in the photo.
I have now this month reached the same age as he was when he died.

Catching Up

Well trying to do so, anyway.

At the moment I am waiting for a plumber to finish installing a laundry tub so I can go down to the city and begin booking my round world airflights for August to November.

Things have been go go go since my sister arrived on March 23rd. Despite being older than me she has far more energy. When I wanted to have my afternoon siesta, she polished the furniture. When I wanted to rest after hanging 6 paintings/pictures, she insisted we keep on going (there are 33 of these throughout the lounge/dining and hall). She was in her element dealing with tradesmen and choosing colours while I absolutely hate it. The decorator gene which is suppose to accompany the gay gene does not apply to me eg I was amazed at having to decide between different shades of white for the bathroom tiles, white is white to me.  Sadly we had several explosions as we have had all our lives but these blow over. She admits she can be bossy and I know I can be lazy and hate making decisions.
I have had trouble finding time to read the blogs on my list let alone writing my own.

My sister arrived on the evening of March 23rd and stayed for 3 nights in the hotel where I had been living for nearly 8 weeks. The first day she saw the house, loved the layout and location but realised there was a lot needed doing especially as the previous owner was a DIY person who really had no idea.  I have seen a number of tradesmen scratch their heads in amazement.  We made many trips to Mitre 10 the mega hardware store in Dunedin. We also chose new dining chairs and a reclining chair so I will not need to lie on the lounge to watch TV in future. These finally were delivered yesterday.

The following day my furniture arrived, all 90 boxes.  Fortunately it was mainly in good condition. Some mould on a few items of furniture (Sydney's humidity?) which led to the polishing already mentioned and a few scratches. 20 boxes were of books which I only began to open yesterday. We moved in the next day, March 26.


I had already had new carpet laid in the lounge/dining to match the carpet the previous owners laid in the rest of the house only a few months earlier and had all the electrics checked and new power points installed.

Now we began the job of arranging for the kitchen to be completely remodelled and the bathroom/laundry to be renovated. This led to the choosing of colours etc already mentioned.  The bathroom is being done as I write and the kitchen cupboards will be a few weeks. New blinds through much of the house have also been chosen and will arrive in a few weeks.

We did manage to have a nice lunch the first Sunday at the beachside suburb (a late birthday lunch for me) and went on 2 walks with my walking group. The first was just a few hours to a nearby hill and past a lake while the second was on Easter Monday and we were away for 6 hours travelling to the mouth of the Taieri River south of the city and walking nearly 8km

Finally I took her away for 3 nights to Queenstown and Christchurch from where she flew home last Friday. I will post some photos of this trip in my next entry.

I am afraid I did not give as much time to Lent and Easter as I would have liked.
On Palm Sunday we attended Sung Eucharist at the local parish before going to lunch at the seaside.

My sister does not like the solemnity of Good Friday and I knew the long services would be difficult for her so we attended on Thursday night which has not been my custom in the past, living such a long way from my previous church.
The service was fairly informal and was held in the hall and we sat in a circle. We did not participate in the feet washing but were not alone in this. I knew my sister would be uncomfortable and must admit it would have been a first for me. The Eucharist was distributed around the circle as we each administered the bread and wine to our neighbour.

Then we processed in silence into the church where the altar etc was stripped before we left in silence. Both of us found the service very moving.

Good Friday has always been a very holy day for me but this year we just ate hot cross buns and fish meals to acknowledge the day.  In the afternoon we drove north along the beaches and bought an ice cream in a small town which would have been infra dig  for me in the past.

Easter Sunday we chose to go to Choral Eucharist in the cathedral as the family service advertised for the local parish did not enthuse me. The choir singing was beautiful but I did miss St James, King Street.

Unfortunately my sister had one of  her TIA turns. This is not unusual if we have to stand for long periods and there was a baptism of 3 adults so we had turned around in the pews to face the font. Usually she realises an attack is coming and sits down but she was embarrassed to do so and as I was facing away from her I suddenly realised she was falling onto me and luckily managed to grab her and sit her down with the help of one man. She lay along the pew for most of the sermon and as usual was completely recovered 20 minutes later. I do worry about her attending church by herself as the attacks mostly occur while standing for long periods.  There is a risk that one of these attacks may become a full blown stroke so your prayers would be appreciated.

Next year I would like to be in Sydney at St James for Easter but time will tell.

My sister says she enjoyed her 17 days in New Zealand although I felt too much of the time was spent in hardware and furniture stores or dealing with tradespeople. However it was good to have her advice and assistance (well most of the time).

Update

I spent 2 nights with my sister and was able to do the shopping and allow her to spend most of the time with her foot up. Her foot is much better now and the swelling has gone down. She can get around quite well using Mum's old walking stick. Luckily it is her left wrist that is broken. I left her several microwave meals to keep her going and a lady who lives in the same block brought a big container of soup.
I am no cook. We had a baked dinner my sister had previously put in the freezer one night. And I went to KFC the other night.
I will visit by train after church on Sunday and drive down again on Monday evening so as to take her back to the hospital on Tuesday morning for replastering once the swelling has gone down. I have promised to drive down the following Friday and take her for other pre-arranged medical appointments. I will probably stay the night and pick my brother-in-law up at the airport on the Saturday. Then he can take over.

My wallet arrived in the post without the $150 but at least everything else. Apparently someone had dropped it into a letter box.
Thankfully I have avoided the hassle of getting a new driving licence. I, of course, am in the process of getting new credit/debit cards which had been cancelled and rearranging regular payments from them.

I had been asked to work 2 days next week and 2 days the following week. I have now received an email asking me to work 3 days in the following week so that will replace the money lost. However, all this is further delaying the preparation of my house for sale.

I have closed my Facebook account. Reading that people are going to bed and receiving hugs etc are just not my scene, no offence meant.

I must be a curmudgeon. In the two days at my sister's home the phone rang more than it would ring all year at my home. I get more calls from charity groups (commercial phone calls are blocked and illegal here) than from friends. My phone might go several weeks without ringing.

If Only

Yesterday was a terrible day.

My walking group had a choice of an out of town easy walk along an old rail line with a 2 hour train journey to get there (the route I took last week). I would have preferred this but my sister had to take her husband to the airport so we instead went on an inner city walk, The Rocks, the oldest section of Sydney. We actually could have gone on the other as my sister had a quick trip home from the airport. I have often visited the Rocks. We did have an interesting tour of the oldest Catholic church in the city led by one of the priests. The rest of the day was listening to one of our group reading long explanations of the history at different points. I hate standing around and knew a lot of it anyway so was bored stiff.

In the afternoon, I decided to leave early and catch an earlier train home than the rest of the group, my sister came with me.

The shortest way to the station was across a busy road leading onto the Harbour Bridge. My sister suggested we go a slightly longer way and use a pedestrian crossing.
As we went that way a man approached with a dog on a leash. The dog ran one side of my sister, the man the other and my sister sprawled on the ground. She had a cut lip and cut hands but a very sore left wrist and right foot. A nearby cafe brought a glass of water. I hailed a taxi and we got her into it and said to go to her house. She felt terrible so I asked the taxi to go to the Emergency at her local hospital instead. As we arrived my sister said she did not think she could get into the emergency. I paid the taxi driver and in my haste apparently dropped my wallet.

We did make it into the emergency and the woman on the desk told me to bring my wife to the window. At that moment my sister went extremely white. This was probably a good thing as nurses ran to her, her blood pressure had dropped alarmingly so a trolley was brought and we were quickly inside. Fortunately her condition improved.

However even then it was 3 hours before she got to x-ray and a bed in the emergency ward. Having a bed does not mean an actual bed, still on the trolley, but now at a station with a nurse etc. rather than in the corridor. Emergency corridors are awful as traffic accident victims come in and are raced to surgery passed you, also elderly patients who speak little English are screaming and crying as no-one can understand them.

I rang and cancelled my credit cards but there are so many other items including driving licence and pension card, I think about $65 cash. I had put the $30 change from taxi into my pocket as I rushed to help my sister. I rang my brother-in-law now in Queensland about to take a yacht to sea.

6 hours after arriving we were still waiting on the doctor to report. It was after 8 and I could not find if they were going to release her so I would take her home and stay at her place or keep her in. We decided that if I left they would have to keep her as she had no-one at home. So I arrived home at 11pm. Needed to find my valium type tablets, which I have not used since I left full time work 7 years ago, in order to sleep.

Now at 7am I rang my sister and she has told me she is in a proper ward with wrist in plaster, foot is improving. I will drive down now, probably in peak hour traffic although she has told me not to hurry, and take her home I will probably have to stay with her a day or two.

If only we had gone on the other walk.
If only I had been prepared to stay with the whole tour and not leave early.
If only we had risked crossing with the traffic.
If only that man had kept better control of his dog.
If only I had been less panicked as I left the taxi.

IF ONLY.

Prayers and Thanksgiving

I have just had an email from my sister.

Yesterday I caught my foot on a jutting up footpath tile and fell flat on my face (just outside our building). Luckily didn't break anything but quite a few bruises on chin, hands and knees.
Thanks be to God no breaks and prayers for healing

However today she volunteered as usual at the courts. My sister is a Justice of the Peace and in Australia many legal documents must be signed in front of a JP.

Left North Sydney court, bought a couple of things at supermarket then sat down on station (a very busy station) to wait for train. Caught train and approaching Chatswood (about 15 minute journey) realised I did not have my handbag!!! I raced across to platform 1 where a city train was departing but missed it. Then spoke to rail chap in office on platform. He immediately phoned North Sydney station - waited on phone while the guy at the other end went to check and would you believe, my handbag was still on the seat. I think having a couple of extra bags with sore hands didn't help.
More Thanksgiving
And the reason for my email to her was to ask the time of her cataract eye operation tomorrow. This will be the second eye. The first had some problems with infection but surgeon is not concerned. Prayers please.

Family or Lack Thereof

Just reading Franiam's post on a baby cousin, whether 2nd, 3rd or what she does not know, has me musing on my lack of family.

On my Father's side my Grandfather had a brother and sister.

The brother had children and there was occasional contact when I was young. However the last was a reunion someone arranged in 1997. I was on a trip to the US at the time so did not attend and while I heard about grand plans nothing more has ever eventuated. One of the women exchanged Christmas cards with Mum but both have now died. We have no known addresses.

The sister had two sons, one had no children, the other married my father's only sister narrowing the circle.
They were all very much part of my childhood scene but, of course, have now died. My Aunt (married to her cousin) had one daughter. She married an older man who died leaving her with 3 teenage sons. Shortly after, they went on a holiday to New Zealand and there was an accident killing her and leaving my aunt and uncle with 3 teenage boys to raise while in their 70's.
The boys all married and there was some contact over my grandfather's will which went on forever and they were at the reunion in 1997 but finally contact was reduced to just a Christmas card between the eldest and my mother. We wrote to tell him of our mother's death but received no reply so there has been no contact for 3 years.
Consequently I now have no contact with relatives on my father's side.

On my mother's side, her mother died when Mum was only 7 so any contacts there are lost. My grandfather was born out of wedlock and we are not certain of the relationships there.
They had 3 sons and 2 daughters.
The other daughter never married but was very much a part of my life as a child. A lot older than Mum, she was like a grandmother to me.
One son died as a child, one was killed on the Somme. The other had 6 girls and one son.
Daughter number 1 (now 85) was close to Mum and rang regularly but she now has early dementia and lives in Queensland. I visited her 2 years ago and my sister occasionally rings. She had 2 daughters. The eldest was about my age and had one son, killed a few years ago in a diving accident. She lives in Queensland and I have not seen her since we were teenagers but my sister occasionally contacts regarding the health of her mother.
The other, much younger than me, does live about 100km north of here and occasionally contacts my sister. She has one adopted son whom I met (along with her) at a funeral about 3 years ago. He is Aboriginal and in the army.

Daughter number 2 (now 83) wrote regularly to Mum but also lives in Queensland and there has been no contact except a Christmas card since Mum's death. Her children are about my age but I have had no contact since we were teenagers.

Daughter number 3 (probably 80) lives near me but, let's say, is a little strange and to be avoided if possible. My sister occasionally contacts her by phone. She has one daughter (see below)

Daughters numbers 4,5 & 6 are never heard from. I did meet number 6 for the first time at the funeral mentioned above. It was only a month before my mother's death and I went to represent our side of the family as Mum was very poorly and therefore my sister could not attend. It was about 100km north. No-one knew who I was until I introduced myself after the service. They were asking each other who the strange man was.

Finally the son who, although nearly 20 years younger than his eldest sister, is about my age. I met him several times as a teenager but he moved to the US. He is now divorced and back home, except his children are still in the US with their mother. He has occasionally emailed my sister but I would not know him if I passed him in the street.

So the result of all this boring material is that the only relatives I ever see are my sister and brother-in-law who are childless. The only relative at Mum's funeral was the daughter of Daughter number 3 above who kindly came, although we had never met before or since.